A couple weeks ago people flew from all over, drove hours, wrestled flat tires, and journeyed long to the land of Florida. They were there to celebrate something that happens over the course of a few days. An intimate celebration of life.
I had been on the phone with bridesmaids, and vendors wrapping up the final details so that the day could be a memorial day. A stone of remembrance to our relationship, a monument to love.
I don’t know why but for some reason I was expecting to think about that day more after it happened.
As a little girl you dream your whole life about that tiny thirty minute time frame where you walk down the aisle and meet your husband. You play dress up. You make your best friend play the role of the groom as you walk down a homemade aisle in your living room wearing plastic shoes from mom that are just too big for you. You grow up and still with every new date, every prince charming, you wonder “Could this be the one?.” We find ourselves lost amidst waves of teenage angst and budding youthful hope. A growing pinterest addiction consumes our very minds. TLC pumps new ideas and beautiful weddings into the air and we lavishly drink it in.
But now that day is over for me. I no longer have to wonder who my prince charming will be. My mind is divest of daydreams, of decorations, a ceremony, or that first dance…
Everything is shifted from dreams to reality.
I love everything about being married. I love getting to know Jake on a deeper level. I love waking up next to my best friend at the start of each day. I even love the times that we disagree and have to find a middle ground because I know we are growing and being refined.
But I have noticed something more about myself through these past few weeks. This is the most time I have ever been able to spend with Jake, and yet the more time I am with Jake the more jealous of his time I become.
We are in the midst of summer camp here in Florida. Jake is coordinating the leaders of hundreds of counselors. Early mornings, late nights. A radio connected to his hip that never shuts off, and when you think you get five minutes alone…. ministry calls.
I am trying to be a supporter. An encourager. A woman who prepares healthy vegan alternatives to cafeteria food. And yet in all of this craziness sometimes I have to ask God why… Why the life of ministry?
God, sometimes for a season I just want to be selfish and have Jake all to myself.
Today I was reminded though that 3,000 souls are on the line. I can’t be selfish.
My thoughts have been lingering in the chaos of camp. But God is reminding me of another who once had to learn the lesson of giving up a life for another.
He could have simply been selfish.
He could have argued and wrestled with God.
He could have pleaded to God to form him his companion out of dirt again.
But God put Adam to sleep asking for a simple sacrifice.
The surgery took place and quietly the rib was removed.
But really though, Adam asked for this.
God gave Adam dominion over the entire earth. He had everything that he could have ever wanted, with God himself being his soul companion. Walking with him on the earth.
Yet God knew that allowing Adam to experience the full image of Himself would be all that could truly satisfy.
Man and woman and God, coming together in an intimate worship reflecting the trinity itself.
I am in a state where I am learning so much about God and the character of man. How like Adam giving up his rib to provide for the life of his wife, Jake also makes sacrifices to provide for the life of me. And the lives of these campers.
Jake and God have had 27 years of amazing adventures. Bible Institutes, college, communes, 19 countries, literally years spent overseas. Deep friendships, a wandering lifestyle, and the Gospel.
Yet God knew that Jake had another desire to be fulfilled, it was granted just weeks ago.
Jake simply stood at the end of an aisle and entered into a life of commitment, love, and sacrifice.
He is entered into that with God long ago.
But he also chose to enter into this second covenant with God… with me.
Oh how I am so glad that Adam didn’t simply tell God that “Hey don’t take my rib because that’s the best part of me!” but instead Adam was able to look at the rib and declare “She is the better half and best part of me”.
Ok so I may have fabricated that story a bit, but I can’t imagine that story playing out any other way… hehehe
So woman was created. And now years later we stand lovers, man and woman, in a constant whirlwind of romance and heartache. Our very souls are knit together and that longing which was once satisfied has grown. The insatiable thought is here. I just want to be closer. I just want to spend time together, growing old, I want every minute. Our souls have truly mixed and converged to become what they are.
And that is beautiful.
It’s no longer about one day.
It’s about one lifetime.
I no longer day dream of fancy dresses and childhood walks down the aisle. I dream of quick moments where we walk hand in hand on the beach. Deep night talks where our hearts are vulnerable and I feel our souls coalescing. Instead of tomorrow being a dream I want, today is a dream I must own. It was once said success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get. Because reality is better then my hopes and dreams and I never want to miss it by wanting more then what I really have. Because what I have is what I’ve always really wanted.
And that, contentment, being present, living simply with Jake, that is what I dream of.