I’m still here

Any prayer requests for the day?”

I could feel my pulse in my neck begin to throb.

I have been in a winter lately, sort of like a mini depression.

Nothing is wrong with my life.

Actually many things are swell.

Good grades in my last year of college.

My boyfriend lives in Florida now.

There is food in my fridge, and gas in my car.

Life should be just dandy right now.

But I think I just got too used to things.

Like seeing God do miraculous things that I can hardly believe happened every day.

As I reread my journal entries I can’t help but see the amazing fruit of yesterday.

Countries where chaos and confusion took over my soul, I saw  Him pull through.

A summer spent at a camp where constantly someone around you comes to know the Lord.

and now I’m just here. 

Just here.

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After a year of being away in desolate and exotic places of adventure, I am back to where I started.

Home.

When I first found out that home was the next place God had for me, I was excited. I had stories to share for years. I was gonna make an impact again and even greater then before! Community awaited me. Everything was going to go back to the way it was when I left.

This is not the case. Most people don’t  ask or inquire to hear about the  crazy things God did in my life this past year.

As much  as I have changed I feel like I have come back to a familiar place to find strange faces… they grew too. My community of friends still exists here, but we all have different jobs, and new lives. And yes, hearing about all the wonderful things God is doing through Jake is amazing, but again I wish it was still happening with us together. 

I am back in my wilderness. 

Em. how about you any prayer requests”?

If he had only known that I have spent the last few days at Starbucks trying to hold back tears as I typed papers.

If he had only known that at night I fall asleep on wet pillows, and I am starting to get used to this. 

If he had only known that my prayers have been that God would allow me to escape this place and just see Him again.

Tears welled up, and they came, “I want purpose again. I’m just here.” 

Some walls broke in that moment.

For weeks I had been hiding behind the words “I’m fine”.

That wasn’t true at all.

The next few days I spent some time in the Word and tried to connect with the twenty somethings who also have seen God do crazy things through them, but then find themselves back at home, struggling to save up with minimum wage.

Existing. Drifting and existing.

God keeps bringing me back to that simple story in Genesis that often we skip over. The one where Hagar and her son Ishmael are thrown out of Abraham and Sarah’s house for a number of reasons and are left to fend for themselves. 

Hagar is back to where she started. And there comes a point in the story where she distances herself from her son and begins to sob. She can not provide for herself, let alone Ishmael and her heart breaks knowing he will soon die.

This isn’t the curb of Wal-Mart. They are in the wilderness of the Middle East. Scorching heat, sand, death.

She opens her eyes, and there is a well”.

Man that is crazy! She opened her eyes and saw the answer saving her sons life. But she was so caught up in her own circumstances her eyes were closed and she was blinded to her solutions.

Water would sustain her son. The water of Life will sustain me.

I know that in this place I am caught up with my own feelings. Through this lack of excitement I am simply putting the blinders on, unable to see God around me. I want to be more intentional with that. I want to be who God proclaimed me to be in Isaiah 40.

Geesh Em. Open your eyes and you will see the goodness  of the Lord. 

Being intentional I can see God move even in this place. Even in a little town in the middle of nowhere. 

The other night my friend’s Grandmother was in a near death state, unresponsive and vegetative. We stopped and prayed for her, we prayed that her last days would be filled with joy and good memories filling her head. As synapses fire away and life fades from the body, is it possible God could just fill that mind with sweet memories? 

The doctors had no explanation, but the next day as her condition continued to get worse, she just had the biggest smile on her face and she was laughing. 

It is the little things that show me I have a purpose. That I can get through the most frustrating winters of the soul.

Those little glimpses that God is still here.

Just like I am still here too.

Beautiful souls in the African Plains

Beautiful souls in the African Plains

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